Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
