yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
