"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
