i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
MIDGETS
????
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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