Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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