I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
