my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I need moral support for this bender
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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