Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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