Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
