well I can't set my house on fire every night
People in love make me want to vomit
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
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