I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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