highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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