This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
