Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
