Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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