I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My bed smells like the plague
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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