Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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