I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
