I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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