does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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