i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
