So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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