Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
