He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
