dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
