Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize