How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
you had me at cake vodka
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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