You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
