I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
