They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
