we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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