i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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