The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
