These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
