part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
