true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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