The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize