Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
