I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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