Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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