The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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