Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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