not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize