or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
