omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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