The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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