my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
where are my eyebrows?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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