I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
