Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm too high and old for this...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
