He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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