drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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