i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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