Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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