Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
is it fun? or sober?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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