i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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