please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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