I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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